Some decisions arrive quietly, without ceremony, yet carry the weight of an entire life. This essay by Jeff Kohler explores these choices.
To go or not to go
By
Jeff Kohler
In my entire life, the most difficult choice that I have ever had to make
was to deploy or not deploy while in the United States Navy Reserve. I was
asked by a longtime friend to write or type in this instance, about the most
difficult choice I have ever had to make.
The year is 2010. I am living in Columbus, Ohio, and going to school at
The Ohio State University. I have not been home for an entire year from my
first deployment to an area with active combat operations going on. I have
separated from active duty and started service with the Navy Reserve. A month
after that, I began my studies at The Ohio State.
One Friday evening, while going to a liquor store, I received a phone call
from a chief who worked at the reserve center. He advised me that I had gotten
orders for a deployment to Afghanistan. I was excited at the thought of another
deployment overseas. I was having a hard time with civilian life. Nothing made
sense here. The only place that made sense was when I was overseas. I was also
having a hard time getting a good night’s sleep. I had slept great when I was
overseas. I thought going back would fix that. I also felt like I had failed
in my first deployment, and going back for a second would fix that. Life was so
complex, but when I was in Iraq, life was simple.
I had an entire month to think about whether or not I wanted to deploy
again. I started wondering if going back was the right thing for me. I had
gotten into The Ohio State University much to the shock of my former
co-workers on USS San Antonio LPD–17. I was trying to adjust to civilian life,
I had begun to see a readjustment advisor and had thought about filing a claim
for disability with the V.A.
In one of my classes, which was all veterans, there was a vet who had been
mobilized 8 different times while taking classes. That made me think about what
I was doing with my life. Was I here for a degree? Was I here killing time
while I waited for another deployment? Was I not taking this serious? I had
a choice to make. Go back for another deployment, or stay, try to adjust to
civilian life, and try to get my degree?
I thought about how my fellow vets would view me for not going back for a
second time, how I would feel if I did not go. I asked the vets I was friends
with about this dilema. I talked with my cousin who was a purple heart
recipient about how I might be viewed for going and not going back. I was also
dealing with one major health issue- not being able to get a good nights sleep.
I did loose alot of sleep over this issue.
I felt like I was a failure on my first deployment. I got to play it
somewhat safe on a forward operating base (FOB) as a fobbit. Somewhat safe
because the base I was on was attacked with mortars and rockets on a daily
basis. I can remember delivering the mail one day, while walking to the main
building and hearing a rocket flying overhead, hitting the deck, and rolling
underneath a bench that was made of concrete.
I took a hard look in the mirror. I was half in the military world and
half out. I was also half in the civilian world and half out. I came to the
conclusion I could not do both. I admitted to myself I was not 100% from a
health standard. I was on medication for insomnia. I decided that since I was
on medication for one health issue, I could not deploy.
The next drill weekend after muster, I went to the medical department
and saw the duty corpsman (medic) who happened to be FMF (Fleet Marine Force)
qualified which meant that she had served with a marine unit. I told her why
I was here, what I was doing here, and how to go about it. I asked her
if going back was the right choice, and she said no because I was not 100% and
had already done one deployment. She said I could go back when everyone else
had done an overseas tour. I saw next the medical officer, and he agreed I should not go on another deployment. He would submit the paperwork to get my orders
canceled. I knew I was ending my military career- anyone found non-deployable
would be separated from the reserves. After I was done speaking with the
medical officer, I saw a chief from the admin department. He stated I would
be in a non-drilling, non-reporting status until the reserves made a
determination as to my fitness for military service.
I do not remember the rest of drill or the drive home. All I remember is
having a nasty feeling in the gut of my stomach. This feeling would stick with
me for a good bit afterwards. Even to this day, I still feel like shit when I
think about it.
This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. In one instant,
both my military career and deployment were over. I was good at being a
radioman. I would have to find another career and re-invent myself.
Since my military career was over, I decided to file a claim with The
V.A. for medical conditions related to my xxx military service. I visited The
Franklin County Veterans Service Commission and met with a veterans service
officer (VSO) who would help me with filing my claim. I handed her a copy of my
medical record. She went through it and began writing down a somewhat long
list of items I could establish service connection for. When she was done, I
did not feel so bad about not deploying and getting out. It would take me
6.5 years to get everything she wrote down service connected with 2 trips to
the regional office in Cleveland, Ohio.
A year and several months later I was notified via email I had been found
not physically fit for military service. I would be medically discharged under
honorable conditions. A part of me felt sick and relieved at the same time.
Sick because my career was officially over, relieved that I got an honorable
discharge.
I was angry for alot of years about not going for a second tour and
getting out. It was not until 2019 when I submitted an application to Save A
Warrior that a part of me was able to grieve the loss. I learned it was ok to
feel my feelings and not to stuff them.
My life today looks nothing like it did when I got out. I have gotten in
shape, lost 80 lbs, gotten recreational diver qualified (scuba diving), a
homeowner,
married to a wonderful and over-forgiving woman, back into
horology (a nice Seiko Turtle on the wrist) as I type this, 3 wonderful cats
to torment me throughout the day, and a job I was able to pick up which has
turned into a career. I still have an active Cac (Common Access Card) card so I guess I am still
serving in some way.
I have found happiness. For once in my life, I can laugh and feel it. I
have a few forgiving vet friends that will pick/answer when I call or text.
Diving has become an outlet for me. I love the water. As soon as I go under,
take that first breath from the regulator, everything stops and I have no cares
in the world. In 2025, my wife and I went on a vacation to Key West, FL and
went diving. What a trip it was.
To this day, I still wonder what my fellow vets think of me for not going
back for a second deployment.
Copyrighted by Jeff Kohler
2026
This was typed on a 1958 Remington Quiet-
Riter
Published with permission of the author.
Jeff Kohler was born and raised in Canton, Ohio. He graduated high school
in 2005 from Canton Glenoak. He enlisted in The U.S. Navy that same year.
After completing basic training and A school, he was assigned to USS San Antonio
LPD–17. In 2007, he recieved individual augmentee orders to the U.S. Army,
specifically 1st Battalion, 5th Field Artillery, 1st Infantry Division, The Big Red One. After completing mobilization training, he deployed for 341 days
to Multi National Security Transistion Command Iraq-J6 (communications). After deployment, he seperated from active duty and began service in the naval
reserve. In that same year, he began classes at The Ohio State University under
The Post 9-11 G.I. Bill. In 2011, he was medically discharged from The U.S.
Navy Reserve. In 2012, he graduated from The Ohio State University. He is
happily married and enjoys recreational diving among many hobbies in his spare
time.